Our Closet

2007-02-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

I guess I'll say happy Val's day although I'm late. At least in Brazil I'm not late for it, here it's on the 12th of June. I think June is a better month for it anyway. I hope every one will have the chance to feel loved on Val's day.I myslef have not yet, but thats hopefuly because it's not Val's day yet! heh.

No roses so far, no chocolates or cute little cotten filled animals. But even when I was with some one I didn't get those things so what do I know.
My little Sexy Cel is teaching me how to have fun as a single, but I'm learning not to take addvice from some one who has NEVER been single past 15 heh. Anyway I'm not missing out. I have this really hot guy who wants to be with me all the time, I don't need anything else. Even though he happens to be with countless other ppl at the same time, I always feel like he loves me more. Love is the best reason to live isn't it? "yeah, when you can get it" I here thousands of Family singles say. We'll you can get it, each and every day, the love Jesus gives us is better then any you can get from any other person, trust me. Even though some times you can't feel it, at least you can always count on it, it never hurts you, lies to you, he'll never ever take advantage of you and when he says he loves you you just know its the truth because he even dead f so you could be together, wow, thats romance. I think it's a lot less complex too. I love you my Jesus, help me to be your love to others so we can all have a little more. happy Val's day guys!!! AHHHHHH<>

I am a toilet

2007-02-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

ONLY SEEN HERE, ON my Blog....JD AKA Jaydee...the rapper,
when you gotta you gotta

LIVE CHAT!""

2007-01-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

The most amazing thing happened, i got to meet Josie, she is so wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet and mature; basically your typical Virgo girl.
I love you Jo, wish we could have had more time together.
The month of January was a action packed one, every one in the home was given three days to make the cash they would need for a week of vacation.
No one wants a partner because that means you have to split the cash, if not for this killer guy "Philippe La Plume" I could have been lost as I don't speak Portages for beans.
Phil is so full of faith so he and I struck out on a three day adventure. The Lord provided EVERYTHING and we even got to stay with the rest of the home in our King's vacation house by the beach.

i had to make four times as much as every one else was expected to make if I wanted to go to Rio, so I was really feeling the pressure. But Good Ol Phil took his time, we were treated to so many great foods and thrills. even though we didn't seem to be doing that good financially, we had a good time and at the end some how the Lord provided beyond what I needed even in January (the evil lack of money month) TYSMJ! Its amazing how we vagabonds get to live like the rich. Living for the Lord, although it takes every drop of strength ( physically and spiritually) is well worth it. We had a blast, I love you Phill. here are some shots of the two of us being silly and having fun as well as some of lovely Josie and I.

>
the open mouthed sleeper" Phill's greatest work yet!

drunk Sumuri Land Lord! my best work yet

sign says "happy ppl live here"

Pill, too cool for school"

"waiting for a ride as pan fill's Phill's mind heh"

Poor boy stung by evil sea things...

accuser of the saint"

wiFe who has had enough of drunk Land Lord summuri

some ppl

2007-01-16T14:33:00.000-08:00

I think I ll start off by saying how in love I am with Jesus, I don't know what I would do or where I would be with-out You, you fill me in every way I could ever want to be filled, because of you this meaningless and aggravating life is not meaningless but instead full of adventure and sweet with love; a love I can call nothing else but a miracle. Its as if I ll never fear anything, I know that no matter what this world can do to me, my family, my friends; we are all Your children and you loved us before we were conceived so you will always keep us.I thank you my love for this opportunity to create something that can better a life, cradle a hurting heart and speak understanding to some one confused. We are shit compared to you my love, You are the only one capable of using a worthless, pitiful, proud and foolish some one for your purpose, indeed if not for you there would be nothing here but all the above.Thank you for not throwing me away, thank you for holding on to me long after I had let go. I wake up and find myself still alive, still alive after I was sure I was dead. You are EVERYTHING to me. My Jesus
some ppl are so wonderful, actually every one is wonderful, we just have to pull it out of them no?Though this post has no photos, I will go ahead and tell you that I am wearing a smile from ear to ear and my eyes are glistening with tears. Also I am thrilled to be working with Pedro, although I was sadly disillusioned. He isn't as cool as we all thought...yes, its true. But I dare say that if he was, he wouldn't have jumped to the chance to work with a no good musician like myself, no, if he was half as cool as some ppl I would not even bother. Pedro it a goof, slimy and foolish, and if he was anything more...I would want nothing to do with him. He kind of reminds me of Sam drummer, every one knows what he can do, but few get to see him farting around and making stupid jokes about things that NO one else things is funny. Well, I think its funny SAm.And Pedro...I love you..you rock out with your......out.

Love lights

2007-01-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

I wasn't looking forward to saying good bye to both my room mates. I have grown attached to all three of them. Lilly was my dance partner and giggle buddy, a happy, go lucky, hippy child.

She was the spark I needed to "light my fire". I love you Joy toy, and I'll miss you.

And then there was Mateus. The baby and my god son. He used to drive me crazy,

he has a thing for waking his poor mom up at 4 in the morn. Julie has balls of brase or maybe its just plain ol love. But I'll tell you, nothing was more frightning then when Mateus started walking. Dear Lord, early walkers look like little Frankienstines hehe. Cute but scary.
Keep your head's up girls, I love you.

taking one for the team

2007-01-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

in honor of this new year I'm going to make a concerted effort to reclaim my rightful place as co-founder of this closet, by updating from time to time.

starting now.

this is my happy face.

2006-12-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

About this time last year I was in California USA being smothered in the arms of the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with making plans for a bright and radical future. This year I some how made it to Brazil and right now I'm all alone at the computer while every one from the aria are singing and having a gypsy dance around a fire at the beach.
Funny how life kind of throws you around, with time you start to lose any idea's of your own, you learn to give it all to God. Some ppl say I am one of those girl who have lost their faith in love, its not so, but I think that I am losing faith that there are other ppl out there who still believe in it; in true, die to yourself, give all it takes love. I don't want to become like so many others, ppl who fight to keep everything they own for fear that some one will take it. Cynical, that's what the world is today, and some times, so am I. We don't want to be right about the human race, but we often are.
For this new year, I pray for all the young ppl out there who are losing faith in humanity. We aren't here to make friend, we are her to lay down our lives for our enemies, we are here for God, for his son Jesus.
Happy new Year Children of David.

2006-12-25T17:25:00.000-08:00

Some sick sad christmas Chear..some ppl don't know when to quit heh

http://www.elfyourself.com/?userid=f2d0f56740a8527536c4913G06122510

""Christmas 2006""

2006-12-25T05:56:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, Happy birthday "Jesus", we know this is a silly holiday made up by a bunch of money loving Jews who actually nailed you to a cross; but we forgive them because you did and see this day as a chance to love you and worship you and remember you all the more. WE can never pay you back for the price you paid but we give you EVERYTHING. PS the thought of you as a baby lying naked in a little manger is cute.

I want to wish Every one in my family THE BEST FREAKIN CHRISTMAS EVER!!" steph (mother of my child) JD(big brother and guardian Angel) Dan (where ever you are man, Jesus is there too and I love you) Ivana (what I wouldn't give to hold you right now) JOjo and Angie (My eyes water when I think of how much I love you) Marty, Jess and Vic, you guys rock more then you know and I'm Insane about you three) Mom, God only knows what you mean to me, Ivan, Man you are wild and a sample of what I want ot be) Best wishes to my Dad Judah, I think of you every christmas dad, Happy birthday, Your the first one I'm going to grab when I get to heaven, can't wait to hold you again)

To all my friends who are mostly freaks but have proven time and time again that God uses the freakish and stupid things to confound the wise. Niki Rudow(wana Kiss you everywhere, wink wink) Sam, your freakin awesome and I burn for you) Anita(Fellow Blogger)-when will we ever just get married). Mari, Jesus knows how much you love him, screw everything else and what other ppl think) Mike Krome, or should I say Dad hehehehehehe) Dre, your cool) Jess, the love of my life and to this day I have found no one like you) Amber, just lovely, and the two husbands-Vic and Alex, take care of my girls) two Guys some where in Africa, I love you) Blond Maria, cute as can be but bites hard) Charity and Philo McCollum, My Christmas Angels) Raf! Anjie, almost on the back list babe, but I suppose I haven't been too faithful either heh.

The black sheep list
(How I long to take you under my wings, I miss each of you and forgive you for being too busy with your Rock Hard Discipleship lives to ever write me) Ryan Cline, Jaz, Chris Guitar, Lizz two Gallon (she is excused actually because now she is a mom) Connie is now on this list...how sad. Gabe Iowa. Pedro I'm sure I'm missing some but that's because you never write and I must have forgotten about you. Marry Jesus day to all...Weehoooo, from Marie Clay and about 72 beautiful, Brazilian Orphanns!

2006-12-21T07:00:00.001-08:00

So we had our Christmas Party and the home got about 80 or so ppl to come and we sold about that many invitations as well. TYJ. Every one loved that dance...lets see if I have time to post pictures of it.
So much goes on here and I can't keep up with the posts. not to mention I have NO time to go over what I've written and check it. reading over my blog I see so many mistakes hehe.
But to brake it down, We had the pleasure of having Thiago over for a few days and he played at the party as well. Once I DL the pics from my cam I'll be sure to post them, he is a Brilliant Guitarist to say the last "Huge guy too..it can be scary if you weren't expecting

heh! We love you, thanks for everything. here is a cute shot with him and his mom.
The girls pulled off the dance with in days of the show and it was just right, sexy little Cel and I made the costumes the same day TYJ...they would have been done the night before but I was kept from doing my job by mitigating circumstances heh" After the dance the girls got ppl from the crowed to join in and the gys just jamed a bit. David and I worked out a reggae christmas song just for the dance. We did it twice due to the demand and it was so much fun. then there was a GREEN fire show by our DJ "Daniel"

and I played DJ for him while he was gone.

Also we had extra donated beer left over so the next day we all cut loose, there was dancing "lost of dancing", jumping off the roof into the pool, and of course drinking (in moderation).

Here are the guys setting up

The Lord is so good to us. Also to make my weekend a real success my dear sheep Rodrigo (who's family is well practiced in law and legalities) is helping me with all my paper work here in Brazil. one of my biggest fears was that I would have a hard time getting my Brazilian passport and paperwork, but Rodrigo is very good at pulling strings in this town TYJ. Bruce is doing very well BTW and we all just need to pray that Rodrigo accepts all that I have had to share with him about his music as of right now he thinks he'll be fine if he continue as he has been.
This isn't very elaborate but if I could really take time to remember all I think I might be abele to wow you heh. Where is Mudd..if your reading this I love you so much baby girl. I miss you and hope you'll take time to blog something. I know you have one of your own already but if you could at least put a little something so I know how you are and that you still love me..miss you all. Have the most blessed Christmas of your lives!

2006-12-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

here is Rodrigo and his family with me at a park. It was a great weekend and they treated me "very well".
This is a park full of ppl who have sicknesses and I was able to pray with one very sweet child and it was a witness to Rodrigo and his wife TYJ.

what is November 8th?

2006-12-04T16:44:00.000-08:00

The following is some shots of my 21st year and the best things the Lord did for me. Love you all XOXO. Thank you to every one who prayed for me and helped me through this very trying year. I love you all and miss you with every inch of me.

Son of a Fan

2006-11-30T02:49:00.001-08:00

dear loves and readers. I'm going to give you a quick glimpse of the last month and all the Lord has been doing.
I am way behind so I'll try to give you the quick and painless version that will include all the "main events". NO one really reads this blog...but its like my diary so I need to keep it up.
things r CRAZY.
its like everything thats ever happened to me finally fell into place like a little diamond of dust just for the sake of helping this sweet family that I have been witnessing too. Imagine how great the love of God is, to manipulate events for the sake of this child and family who He loves so much. Anyway, getting too far a head.
Ivan from our home took me to one of his new sheep who speaks english and wanted him to bring me to practice with him. In our first meeting it was clear that Rodrigo has a very serious problem with "demonic music. Way beyond your average fan. The man doesn't keep picture of his wife and child, all his picture albums are full of famous Rock musicians signing his records. So that brings me to the real problem, his son Bruce (named after one of Satan's demonic instruments of hate/ rock icon) who has a serious problem. The doctors can't put any name to his diagnosis, Bruce won't speak, look ppl in the eye or try and communicate in anyway other then scream and biting. Bruce wakes us in a fit of fear after very nap his mom told me.
Rodrigo has records in very closet of his son's play room and has to spend 300 bucks every month on this CD collection. The first time I met Bruce his family noticed that he was extra affectionate with me. they began to take interest in our work and began coming to the house and donating ever so often, Bruce is all-around better in the home here because we have the spirit of the Lord. Rodrigo asked me to come over every friday and he would give the home a donation for English classes. Ivan also sold the family some of our children's videos and Bruce's mother knows its having a good affect.
In my chat times with Rodrigo I have been able to give him a very deep witness about his music. During one visit I felt it was a good time to bring up getting rid of his music collections, I told him his son was like most children very sensitive to the spirit, I told him about music being a spiritual vehicle and challenged him by saying that I would play a song for his son and we would see how he would respond. Now Bruce never sits still and is always muttering to himself and hitting himself, but the moment I began playing a soft love song he went over by his mother and sat very still, he just looked at me and began to cry a bit. Its very difficult but I have been trying to get through to Rodrigo that his obsession for this evil music is hurting his son, I think the Lord is also really using this as a witness to the young people in our home about how system music is really more dangerous then they think; so the Lord is getting through in this situation in more ways then one. Bruce's mother is also very desperate for her son's healing. She asks us to pray for him when every Rodrigo isn't around because he doesn't seem to believe there is anything really wrong with the boy. The other day I prayed against all the records in Bruce's room, then I said a prayer while holding Bruce, according to his mother he slept very well that night. he is now starting to play with toys like a normal child and even look in people's eyes. The home here is desperate for a COMPLETE healing for little bruce who is 3 years old. Also I would like prayer for Rodrigo, that his eyes will be open to what this clearly is. I feel the Lord lead me to this family because I know a thing or two about the spirit that has oppressed this family, I felt it when I first saw Bruce. the devil really wants this sweet boy and I don't think he'll give up without a fight, but God is so much stronger. SO thank you Jesus that we have power over all the enemy.
I am going tomorrow to spend a few days with the family at their request.
Other then that, the Lord does great things every day for our home here. Some times I feel there are so many thorns in my flesh, but I know the Lord is giving me this great responsibility to keep me desperate and stayed on him as caring for this family has been so new to me, I am such a mess and it blows me away when the Lord asks some of these things of me. I feel powerless, but we are just vessels and the Lord puts what ever he wants in us.
Thanks to every one who wished me a happy 21st Birthday. it was great here. I love you all. I'll post some pictures of Bruce in his family as well as some of my birthday after this week.
No dark force can stand a chance against the awesome power of the keys. AMEN & AMEN. Keep in fighting!

today's mission

2006-11-04T15:08:00.000-08:00

today's mission was simple, sell as many CD's as you can carry. My partner was a beautiful girl named Lily. She is very young but the only one who can communicate as I don't speak Portugues.
So we kicked off with nothing more then a few bucks, good for a one way bus; praying that we didn't attract too much attention. Lilly is VERY pretty and I was wearing a skirt so I couldn't do too much to save her if any one should try anything. Also I had a check to bring good ol Mich who happens to be my faithful guitar.
We didn't know where to start our day so first we had lunch at a very fine restaurant Lilly open a few months ago. We talk a bit about the plan and decided that being as there was another contact near by that had been very good to me, we would go, stop by and see if they wanted any of the Christmas CDs. Just happened it was the owner's birthday so Lilly and I fumbled about for the chords to the "happy Birthday" song. TYJ it was a real hit and we got every one to sing it to him and they brought out a cake and Lilly and I toped off our already engorged bellies with a bit of that. Then they asked me to play some more music and it was a great chance to witness as well. However it was too soon for them to buy any Christmas CDs so we said good-bye and went on our way
Then we met a darling Hippie guy who makes jewelry, we noticed all the Jesus Freak signs all over his body and guessed he was saved. We said we couldn't buy anything but that we loved him and wanted him to know he wasn't alone in his way of life and faith. he asked "money is a problem"? Then he gave Lilly and I ear rings and kisses and hugs. Still no money to go home though. SO! We decided to make good use of our day by trying to provision everything we would need for our Christmas dance out-fits. The Lord lead us right to a guy who said he would give us everything we need, TYJ. I'll be sure to post pictures of the dance, its going to be really great, I asked the guys to give us a Reggae Christmas beat so we can do the dance in a traditional Reggae/Tahitian way.
But still no cash for a bus ride home. We tried a lot of places but it didn't look like any one was ready to buy anything. The two of us were getting really tired and desperate as it was starting to get dark and we needed to be home. Then the Lord lead us to a Gas Station where the owner (seeing the Guitar) connected us to the FAMILY in Vitoria. He said he had been looking for us and wanted us to play Christmas music at a few events. He is going to pay us and let us sell CDs as well, TYJ. he gave us some money to go home and we got on the bus just in time to save ourselves from becoming VERY wet due to rain storm.
We love you Jesus, you are so good to us!!

2006-10-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Today I feel low, so much to be thankful for, so much love I am given. Love I didn't ask for but the Lord chose to give me anyway. Help me want this love Lord, help me need it. Help me not be afriad anymore. So many things to say, one computer, one chance...no one is here right now. I held a little girl the other day, we went to a sister-hood of nuns that care for children who have no one, children who are sick. I know what its like to cry for others heart brakes, in the Family we are often given a lot of tear jerking jobs, but I don't think I'v every smiled out of pain for a lost hurting some one, I don't think I ever smiled out of fear some little one would see the pain in my eyes. It was like, I wanted to her feel I was so so happy. TTL that I had my guitar with me, so I played for all the babies so they could sleep. About 16 little eyes were looking at me. All I could guve them was a few sweet little songs and a bunch of love and kisses. My heart broke, its been doing that a lot these days.

2006-10-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

More On, the life of a missionary. The following pics could do the following, (A) make you
think that we here do nothing but party (B) make you want to send me hate mail about getting my act together, (C) make you think about coming to Brazil, (D) maybe you'll just want more pics...anyway, I would just like to say that we work very hard, every one here does, but "work hard/play hard" is what Brazilians do best, I love you all, thanks so every one who played a part in getting me here. This one is for you. Nothing like the beer here let me tell you.

We throw a lot of parties and the band plays and I get a chance to as well, its all very united and no one sits on thier ass, every one plays a part. However I don't think the cam coud take very good pics in the dark, but here are a few anyway. And I final shot of me, if you don't mind...I love you

2006-10-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

Every one is supper on fire for Jesus and the Lord does so many things for use, we go out witnessing close to every day and Jesus is more then good to us. The music here is sooo good, reggae. I wake up to the guys playing all the time. Here is a pic of one of our Fellowships, the girls are so cute and sweet!

2006-10-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

I love Jesus, and I can’t really think of anything else to say at this time..I will though, bit first,

a slide show of what has happend thus far!!!

"Behold" the final plane!!!!

And then I would like to throw in a pic of some of the guys in my home.

Now were hear a lot of talk about the chicks, yes Brazilian girls are ALL that, (we shall have pics of them too)

however, no one said Jack about the guys!!

I give you, Luckas, David, and some guy who I don't remember the name of.

We do some really good OR too. the guys are all very good musicians. Here is a pic of the out reach team. SHOOT The comp is being stupid...will will have more...but not at this time, love you all

"meet the Gang"

2006-09-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

These are the guys the revolution was made of. Here are some of the guys on the devil's most wanted list.Ivan Ho (Serpent Slayer) this guy may spend his day surfing it up at the beach, but hes no kitten. His surfboard it in-fact a weapon used to promote Activated. He is a Fiery, lit passing, demon Vaporizing prophet.Meet Hopie, this little ladies heart it big enough to with stand some o the toughest guys. Hopie is ALWAYS hopeful. We went out one day and she got me about 65 bucks worth of Chinese medicines to make sure I'll get to Brazil in once piece and last long enough on the battle field without having to worry about Lucifer trying to bog my body down with sickness.

Zeek, this guy is what I like to call "the strong silent type". Also a very creative artist who made sure I was set with a few home made magnetic posters of heaven for the thrillin.Also at the last minuet Zeek jumped up and said he would pay for out trip to Anaheim and gave a generous donation of about 65$ TYJ and TY Zeek.Then there was the main event. I got to have some wonderful one on one with this guy. meet the father of some of the Family's greatest musicians, The Guitar family, Jaz, Raf, Chris, Heart.Up till now he was a myth. Dear Philo has been my spiritual advocate for the past 5 months.TYJ we finally got to meet and it was everything we wanted it to me. He and I enjoyed a final sun-set on my last night there. But don't you for one moment think that was the end of our night.Philo then took me to see some of his good friends "the Hippie Guys" God, Jason, and I just don't remember the other guys names. But we played some music and talked about the Book of Revelation. I loved these guys, they were too cute and I felt so at home with them. I was too wrapped up in conversation with Jason to get a pic of them. But here is the sign just out-side their door.All in all, San Jose was a blast. Ivan tool my surfing and all the fellow wave riders were thrilled to meet me, the daughter of the great Ho as they call him. Looks like I did manage to pic up something of his. As it turns out, I'm quite a surfer, my first try was like picking riding a bick I never rode. Or like waking up to reality, and in this reality "I'm a surfer chick".Didn't manage to get any pics of me surfing, I was too consumed by making sure I didn't smash up against the cliffs (there is no sand on this beach) also trying to stay afloat was harder then I remembered...I found out later that ur never supposed to go surfing with a swim suit that's too big; it will fill with water and cause you to sink. I think I'll take up surfing once I get to Brazil, Lord willing.I love you all, God bless you for your contributions and all the love I was shown while in San Jose.
Coming soon, BRASIL!!! wooot woot

2006-09-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

So HERE is the BIG news, my dear Da (the sperm donor) Ivan Ho, broke down and just got me a computer, a "lap top" of which I am using right now. TYJ.
So here I am now, Niki and Maria to my left and right. NTL and I have been working on the final for my redemption. Its been like Christmas these past few days.
If I wasn't so thrilled about my Lover's wonderful way of showing me how much He loves me.
I'm so blessed to live and die for you my sweet Jesus.
The girls and I have had a few EVIL things to eat and in the process of trying to enjoy each other's company we fell upon a new joy maybe millions of others have already discovered.
You can CHAT with yourself! I don't know what happened but some how I got a request to allow a "morbidme" to my chat. Out of curiosity I allowed "Marie Goode" to be added to my chat list and to my utter shock I soon found myself chatting.....myself.
Despite the fact that Niki and Marie are on the computer directly next to me, Niki and I decided to chat ourselves.
It was great. The rest of the night is history.
Thank you Lord for the chance to spend some time with these two lovely ladies. Thank you Jesus for Ivan who made the choice to go ahead and be cool by giving me this great lap top. help me to use this power only for good.
The following post will include pictures from my time spent in San José where dear Ivan took me surfing and I got to meet some of the greatest people.
I love you all. Goode night

InterView with a TurKey

2006-09-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

The other day I caught up with the author of the little known blog Gobbledygook for a inside look into the life of a blogger. the following is word for word account of what happened.

(IV ) thanks so much for agreeing to meet with me.

(GG) yeah sure. So you said there would be coffee, right?

(IV) huh...Yeah. It's in the hall.

(brief break ensures while GG goes to get coffee, and IV fiddles with notes)

(GG) okay so how do we do this? You want to know what I had for breakfast? What I look for in a man. My favorite pair of footwear? Standard interviewer questions? An autograph for your nieces?

(IV) I was actually thinking the general public might be interested in your reasons for naming your blog after a animal, wait is the turkey a bird or a animal? or both? Did you perhaps have a pet Turkey when you were young? just tell me from the beginning. Whatever your comfortable with.

(GG) actually it's a common misunderstanding. The blog header "Gobbledygook" in fact has nothing to do with turkeys. Although i am sorry to disappoint all the hardcore poultry fans.

(Interviewer) Oh? Well maybe for the record you could tell us what it does mean. Before we go any further with this misleading interview.

(GG) certainly. but I think these guys can explain it better then I.

(Interviewer) wow? Really? I honestly had no idea that Lutherans believed that. Weird.
okay. Well now that that's all cleared up, I suppose we have to change the title of our interview. dammit. You know I worked hard on that? It took me hours to come up with that title. The hours spent spellchecking, then reassuring the Animal Humane Society that I was not interviewing a captured turkey against it's will, my co-workers even began making Gobbling sounds when i'd pass by in the hall (interviewer breaks down and weeps) and ...I did...It...All....For you. I ingnored my family for weeks to work on the questions. See?

1. Why did you name your blog after a turkey?
2. Do you like turkey?
3. Do you support animal rights
4. Where did you get.............

well I didn't get that far. But the point I'm making here is that this is a huge setback.

(GG) well I'm sorry. I had no idea you only wanted to interview me because you thought I was a turkey activist. Had I known...

(Interviewer) you know what don't apologize okay? That's not going to help anything.

(GG) well let me make it up to you then. Another interview. You pick the date. I'll answer anything you want to know.

(IV) Anything?

(GG) weeeelllll....Just as long as it has nothing to do with Turkeys. I'm a bit worn out on the subject.

(IV) understandably. It's a deal then. My secretary with be in touch.

(GG) alright then. i gotta go, I'm late for my semi-daily therapist session. Take care,

so yeah, that's pretty much what happened. Give or take a word or two. But the happy conclusion is that goodbye in this case is not the end. We'll see you next time. Ciao.

Fighting the Rain demo

2006-09-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

http://nathanknight.com/audio/Fighting%20The%20Rain.mp3

Here is one of the songs I wrote in NTL's studio one year when every one was gone at wordstock. It all just kind of came to me.
I love you Jesus, tks for the song...here are the words for every one who asked.

Iv seen you crying, you can't fight the rain.
I know that your trying but you've not smiled for days & days.
And your all dried out
Wishing some one would meet you half way
Why should you bite down
Always wanting to be brave

(chorus )

You've been roaming around for miles but still'v not reached the surface.
Jesus knows whats its like to climb from the depths of your hearts brokenness.

Some say ur a failure but I say your a sinful saint
Cause you've given me faith to grow every time you've made a mistake
The burden is every heavy
And you think could this be fair
That you should have to cary
What angels could not bare

(chorus 2#)

you were the child who always would fight the pain
he longed to brake your heart so my Jesus brought the rain

(Chorus 3#)

So hold out yoru hand you wont have to roam around much longer
Jesus will understand, hes' caused this braking to make you stronger.

Soon to be in Brazil

2006-09-15T14:49:00.000-07:00

I booked my flight, its leaving on the 21st.It was much harder then I thought it would be, not that the phone calls and hrs spent on this annoying computer were hard, I was just emotional.I feel I'm being forced unwillingly into this.But I'm trusting the Lord that he is the one making me do this and its not a mistake.I'm sure a lot of ppl are going to sigh a big long breath of relief once the word gets out, "Marie Clay has left the country"! WeeHooooThere will be rejoicing in the streets. But I, I can't even look that way I keep my head down and try to avoid all the commotion. All I need is a moment, a smile that wasn't forced off my face. An honest laugh over something I find tremendously funny.So as I walk slowly towards what seems like the batting line before the execution, I'll just close my eyes and say "into your hands I commend my spirit Father".He fights for me when I cannot fight, when no one will get a chance to hear my end of the tail, and the strange heart braking events that took place, the Lord knows, and writes them down in a big book called "Dance of the Muse".So look, laugh, point, or just turn away and act as if you played no part. He cares, the Lover of all loves who has perfectly orchestrated my life. The one who saves each and every tear I have cried.So take me there and beyond Lord. You are the reason I chose to make it through another day. My love, you and your children are the only reason I fake a smile and pretend to want to go on. Some one needs me, some one's life could be changed by my decision to stay committed.Some one needs a sample of the Love I'v never known but believe so much in.I am not my own, I was paid for by the blood of the man who is in love with me.So have your way, just walk with me, don't leave me alone.

How to tell when you're a bad blogger

2006-09-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

1. When upon signing in you realize you've forgotten you username/password and the fact that you even had a blog to begin with.

2. When your fellow contributor begins to leave frequent threatening offlines, usually ending in "blog, or else..."

3. When well-meaning friends exclaim "oh, that's YOUR blog, I had no idea"

4. When you're tempted to copy and paste articles from the Wikipedia, just so you can say you posted something.

5. When a death gives you something to post.

and these are just a few of the reasons why I will be showing my ugly head around here more often. Before we're forced to change the title from 'Our Closet' to "Her Closet", which although painfully true at the moment, is so much less dramatic sounding. So here I am. Here I stand. Welcome home.

2006-09-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

My last night with the girls, what to do...?
Bring back the 70s with some good Ol body painting baby!

My Other Self

2006-09-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

The time I spend with you is like nothing else,
You can compare it to a comedy that has no real base or story, its simply thrown together for your entertainment.
By no means does that make you un-based, you have more moral then half this world’s people, but the beauty of it is you can lay your nobility down at any time just for the sake of laughter and humoring the “lesser person“.
When I'm with you anything goes, you above any human form understand the strange crevasses of my soul.
Around you there is no pretending; only make believe.
Everything is blissful and we are forever child-hood play mates.
I must confess, you annoyed me in our youth,
Always tearful, always feeling rejected and I had to tend to you.
But one day, you grew up, and now you are the one to make sure I know things are never as bad as they seem and twice as funny if you look at every one with their pants off.
Even the stupidest things make you laugh.
Your smile is like a warm bit of sunshine on my face.
Your tears are like cold snow flakes.
You are mother nature and Father Christmas all in one. That sounds stupid, we both know your not God, but you bring to mind all of his creation because God is love, and you are full of it.
You laugh when I need to cry, and cry when you know its safe.
Because of your tears I know its ok to cry sometimes.
You helped me understand that I am a woman and entitled to girlish things.
You have seen me at my lowest and understand the blow it took to get me there.
You never are annoyed by my laughter because you know how hard I fought for it.
You understand that even the most annoying things about me are there for my sanity and you never deny me my moment.
You have seen me through insecure adolescence and never said "your just trying to be cool".
Yours were the arms I fell into when faced with death and its cold face.
You never told me it would be ok, you never said "don't give up". But you held me through my father's passing knowing I would find my way and together with the Lord, repair myself.
When my heart was broken, you understood it was for the best.
I missed you my sweet Jess.
Now your a mother, you will be to little Emma more then what you are to me. Things and people change and I know so must you.
But I want to thank you for so many things, for being the one person who still hasn't let me down even though I let you down.
For giving me faith in the goodness of the human heart.
For Making mistakes but not covering them in shame.
For living for the Lord even though your position and title were no longer a question.
For proving to me that no matter what, who, or where I am, I can do my part to live a life of love.
For getting off your horse to play with the commoners
For never feeling neglected even though I have neglected you.
For always keeping that place I hold in your heart vacant.
For being my Jess. XOXOXOX

bubble gum

2006-09-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

I think I'll call this post, bubble gum.why?Think about it! bubble gum is like a quick fix, and it only lasts so long.You can spit it out once you've sucked all the sweetness out and it will find its way under some poor kids shoe or stuck under a tire.Every one likes gum...but I wonder if anyone really thinks about what it takes to be a piece of gum?I think I can maybe tell you a bit about it as lately I have been feeling like a stick of gum.Gum is a solid substance, you can't eat it or it will stay in your system for about 5-10 years.I don't mean to be negative, there is a brighter side to this story. I'v heard of some bubble gum consumers who are addicted to the product, they'll stick with the same piece for years and every night they simply slip it back in the little wrapper all nice and safe and ready for the next morning.Ahh to be one of those little pieces of gum who are truly loved and appreciated.Well, I'm thinkin every pack of gum comes with at least 5-10 pieces, so I should find that gum munching fool before I run out of sweetness. Also I am by no means a "small pack" so one might say I have a lot of sweets to give before this old bag runs out...good night all, be good little gums for Jesus

2006-09-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'll be with you soon....don't feel lost!

BABIES!!!

2006-09-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

TYJ! I finally got to see Jess, Amber, Anjie and the kids, here are some fabulous pics!

2006-09-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

So here I was, along with every-thing else going on in my life I just didn't see how I could go through yet another complication, I was weak, pathetically tired and all I could do now was check my mail from time to time to see if any progress had been made of if any one had any new information. In the process of checking the balance in my Bank I left my chat on. You know when some one starts chatting you and you are trying to jog your memory as to who this person is but no matter how hard you try it just doesn't come to you. So Finally I was like..."I'm really sorry, but I can't seem to remember who you are", then she told me, "I'm your biggest fan remember"?What an idiot, I felt so stupid, I had been chatting this little girl for some time on and off but I never really had time for her. I told her how sorry I was, "there is just so much going on right now".Like what? I told her a little bit about my situation and how I had a very short time to be in an FD home yet my Visa seemed to be lost in the mail. Her response to me was probably the best any could have given "it will come tomorrow"...I tried to explain how tomorrow was sunday and there is no mail on sunday, "wana bet?I wondered of she was feeling quite smug with herself, but at the same time I knew the Lord had the power to do it, her faith had given me the little bit of extra Umph I needed to start believing again and just expect the Lord to do it for me as my hands were tied and it was going to have to be the Lord.So Sunday came and I found myself looking for the visa, but instead I began to cry. Now I'm not that kind of person who cries for much but the past few months have been hard; emotionally and physically taxing. I was losing my desire to pick up and carry on. So like most of us I had some word time and even though I could hardly read through my tears it was very encouraging as always, all I needed now was to see the word come to life and have the Lord reach down and do a miracle.Again I left my chat on, only this time it was a close friend of mine who often deals with paper-work, traveling and things of that nature, he asked me about the visa and I explained...thats funny" he said, "I didn't have my visa mailed to me" "no?" No, I had to go pick it up at the consulate".And thats the end of the story people.Its sunday and although my passport isn't in my hands, its as good as mine.Here is a picture of the little face of Faith...we must indeed become as a child no?

deliver Me

2006-09-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

55. But, My darlings, even though My heart aches to deliver you and to make all things right and bring perfection and peace and calm to your lives, I cannot. My Father could not deliver Me from the cross, even though His entire being ached to release Me. The pain I felt, the suffering I endured, tore at His heart, He couldn't watch Me die on the cross. His love for Me was so great that He couldn't deliver Me or take Me away from the suffering‚ no matter how great‚ because He knew that My reward‚ My glory, would be worth that moment of torture and beyond. You are worth that suffering to Me.
56. One day, My loves‚ you will say the very same to Me: "You are worth that suffering to me."

Never Cry again

2006-09-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

I found some one, his name is Thiago (friend of my brother) and this is one of his compositions.
http://hyperupload.com/download/0285739a94/03_Never_Cry_Again.wma.html
Just hit that big fat link, wait for it to DL and enjoy!!
I hope this song moves you the way it did me. It's the kind of music you just want to play over and over.

The next few link are also very beautiful, two were not composed by Thiago.

here is one I think he called "Quiet Hunt" http://hyperupload.com/download/02921a3669/Quiet_Hunt.mp3.html
"Hour Glass"
http://hyperupload.com/download/02b5ede894/Liquid_Tension_Experiment___Hourglass.mp3.html
And "Summer Rush"....
http://hyperupload.com/download/02d43f7994/Summer_Rush.wma.html

A prayer for Music

2006-09-06T16:59:00.000-07:00

Lord help us use this gift of music
Give us wisdom
Open us up to the beauty of song
Brake our hearts
Squeeze out understanding and compassion

Make love to your people through these melodies
Breath into us and connect us to your Spirit
Unite us through these words
Fuck us with the power only felt through music

Forgive us for the sickening pride of perfection
Give us simplicity
Cast us down and turn us inside-out
Make us ugly and moldable
Help our eyes to shine full of you

Help us understand the broken
Help us forgive the killer
Help us die all day long so there is nothing left but your powerful presence
Take our hands, our voices,
Our minds are committed to you, The Lover of all loves

If pain brings us closer
Then never stop the rain from falling in our lives

Help us Damn the system
Give us power to change hearts through our music
Only you can bring change
Only you can bring death to the old
Only you can help us forsake our selfishness

So all we want is you,
Through this; our heart broken cries
Receive us now Lord
Accept our voices
We need you now

Clay

2006-09-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

check it out ppl, my bro's songs are all up in herrrrr!!!

http://www.nathanknight.com/music.htm

2006-08-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

This is what my heaven will look like. I think I have a thing for fish...they don't talk back....sigh, I miss my fish...is JD taking good care of them? Need to call and make sure they are being cared for, its the fist time they v gone longer then a month without me...

2006-08-26T21:51:00.000-07:00

we did a car was the other day, made some money for the Word Stock bus,...we had fun, people got wet, cars were washed....it was hot.

All I have to say....

2006-08-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

the time I spent with my Jojo was so great, he is sucha hard working dad and such a good guy!

My mom is always turning heads..what to do with you woman, I love you sweet heart, you are the best!

this is the stuff dreams are made of...bad dreams where you wake up in a sweat JJK

Fallen Angel

2006-07-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

This song was written by Doe, we love you woman, work on that voice.
Thank you so much for caring enough to write me a song. I hope every one gets a chance to hear it!

Fallen Angel

Niki & Clay

2006-07-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

It was a great way to end my time with Niki, we went to a big ol party and had a lot of fun as well as some pleasant suprise.
It's been a long time since I had a close female friend and I guess that’s because Niki is "more then a woman to me"
I guess the Lord has been using this time to make me come out of the closet and share my life with people I would normally stay away from. So many girls here showed up and pulled me through with prayer, lessons learned and just frolicking time.
I love you Connie, thank you for having me over and for helping me with some of the things that would other-wise have been a thorn in the flesh. Thanks for helping with the bag "I will use it to the full" I love you girl, thanks for being such a sista.
Anita, our time together was priceless, I wish I didn't mooch of you so much, if I had more cash I would buy you a golden ring. Thank you for putting up with my silence and not being offended by how I sometimes go mute and don't seem to be all there. I love you child.
Some sweet girl, Dulcienea , wrote me a song. I don't know why but she said the Lord gave it to her for me. Do...your song was perfect, I love you babe, I pray the Lord can use these talents He has given you as he clearly already has.
I'm sorry if I'm missing any one.
Steph, I don't know what to say to you, you know my heart. We will always be bound together by spirit and the Lord's love if not by blood.
Maria, I know the Lord is braking your life, trust me, its not going to last one moment longer then He knows is best. I'm not to say I know where you’re at as the Lord has never asked the same things of me, but you need to remember we are all here for you and your not alone even though you think that way some times, I love you. My mom was right, you understood my heart.
Then, Niki, how could I have known I would love you, your friend ship was the biggest surprise of all. I don't want to make this sappy, but thank you for your love.
Enjoy the pics!

heaven's wings

2006-07-21T17:44:00.000-07:00

this one is really bad, but I don't have a choice, you want it...you shall have it

http://nathanknight.com/audio/Heaven's%20Wings.mp3

just coppy that and it will take you right to it

Mike the Great

2006-07-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Every one, say hello to Mike, he has been such a great guy. I love you man, stay in touch with me ok.
The following are some photo-shop pictures inspired by this genius boy.
Some of them are simply awful, but with the help of his Scorpio sister Telly, together they managed to make such a freak show that I just can't tare my eyes away from, enjoy.

I give you..."Iluminous Florum"!

Finally the world will take note of "The Oflantic Story-Telling Monument"!

Michael was shocked to find the child was his...but even a 12 year old needs to take responsibilty for his actions.
I love you Mike, Telly and Chloe, you'll always be in my heart.

2006-07-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

But as long as we're leaning on anything other than the Lord, we will not have the strength of spirit a disciple needs to have. Until we forsake what is dearest to us and realize that God can give us the grace to go on without it, we will never become fully mature, grown men and women of God. We will remain children at heart, spiritual infants, emotional dwarves, never fully developed, our spiritual gifts never completely refined. Sometimes it takes that kind of purging, that kind of loss, that kind of complete removal of all props, that kind of being stripped of everything but God and His promises, to draw us close enough to Him that we can truly be called His disciples.

“Prophet David”song

2006-07-20T13:26:00.000-07:00

here's a song by me
click here
then just wait until the red writing says (download compleat)

This I got after two of our sheep were taken from us by our apostates and there was a lot of persecution going on. I wrote it thinking about how wonderful we have it in the family and how they just don’t know how much love we have here. It broke my heart for these two girls that lost their chance to serve the Lord with us and be a part because of viscous lies.

The song is called “Prophet David”. Forgive the silliness in the beginning Sam helped me produce it on his MP3 player and he was getting restless.

Yes we did do it in a studio, just not the way you'ed think! we did like five takes.

I used this one even though the vocals are really rough because it has my darling Sam singing on it.

Pray for this county as she will soon find where the path of her foolishness and Godlessness will take her, pray for the children that have been taken by the evil one that they will fin their way back to Him.

Dear Sam, Chris and Marie Fish

2006-07-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Sam, Chris and Marie Fish, I didn’t ever want to say good bye.

This is Jesus’ doing, I hope you trust that everything he does he does because he loves you.

I always thought that no matter where I’d go I would be sure to take you with me.

I will miss caring for you, cleaning your tank and watching you swim…all things change, I hope we will be together in heaven one day, after all, if sparrows get to go I think fish should be allowed.

Thank you for the years of joy you brought to my life, we will always have Anaheim.

To my three little angles, you shall be missed.

to you Jesus

2006-07-19T08:18:00.000-07:00

Lord, my spirit is enraged; calm this fire Lord, calm my raging waters.

Give me the joy of your salvation, give me what it is that brings joy just to know I am yours and in the shelter of your wings.

I feel it Jesus, I feel the love gushing from your spirit to mine. I feel the peace that passes my own understanding.

Just breath for me Lord, speak though me my love and shut up this vain thing that is my mouth.

I am humbled by your patience with me Lord, just know I am willing for this flesh to melt away so you can shine through.

Thank you my love for reflecting off this disfigured and shattered glass.

My beautiful, immortal love, the rose growing from the ashes of this retched life.

Why the day so gloom and this weather so sad

Why can’t I bare to sleep in my own bed?

Lord I wake to cruel things

The sadness that abandonment brings

The things I wanted and worked my carcass for

The things I believed to be unwavering

Something true and worth more then money can buy

I gave it all to you

And any hope for joy in life

You know what this cage feels like

This rotting mess of skin and bone

You were hated without a cause

Your own received you not

Yes you lay there bleeding

Your voice herd through heaven

To your Father’s spirit pleading

Forgive me Lord for regretting my own pain

For believing there could have been a safer way

My love is nothing without your blessing

Help me to believe in your love as well as your chastening

Make the sun shine brighter in my sky

Give me eyes to see the sunlight

Help me want to live past these gloomy days

Knowing you were the one that was betrayed

tin man

2006-07-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

when Mike first walked up to us I thought he was going to give me a kiss. Nick and I were passing out lit and he walked right up to me and was like, God bless you guys, I love the Lord too!

This was a random picture Mudd took when us girls were out. It wasn't eazy fitting onto this guys lap and the thought of getting stuck inside crossed my mind. There were so many cars yelling and honking at us I was sure we had done something sacrilegious, but WE had fun no?

as for these two last ones, all i can say is the Fam is so full of sexy people.....

2006-07-17T08:11:00.001-07:00

THANK you to every one who came to see me off, I think that was by far the best party I v been to in Cali, I love you very much.
The following are some of my favorite pictures taken with in the last month.
Thanks so much to every one who herd from the Lord for me; got songs for me and so on, your all so great. Thank you Niki for that beautiful poem, I really am not worthy of such effort and it made me cry that you took the time. It was truly the best gift I'v gotten this year.
Niki and I got to spend a lot of time together and we saw the Lord do quite a few amazing things that have been a real boost to our faith and our friendship. Nothing is more bonding then time spent witnessing so I thought I'd throw in one of our witnessing picture of this sweet sheep (Mike) we met while on one of our adventures.
Also how could I forget Maria, and her funny faces, I love you girl, thank you for being to strong, the Lord has something for you: it was wonderful getting to know you. Sam I will miss you so very much, you have been so great and I'm so happy you are part of my family now. I'll miss little Judah and Stephy so much.
Then there are the Bril Kids, I LOVE YOU GUYS. They are all little rays of sunshine only not as hot and smarter.
Then there are the random pics of people having fun, Hicky picking on poor Niki, "shes just holding back Hick, she doesn’t want to hurt you! Some happy wall flowers at the party...
NTL and Esther, I love you both!
Good bye to all, thank you for the lessons learned and memories shared.
I forgot JD...well, I just made a whole post for you man, you know I love you and will miss you.

happy Birth day!!

2006-07-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

In honor of the man who once saved me from jumping right onto the head of a rattle snake after reassuring me that we could indeed survive out in the wilderness without mom or dad. For all the times you stuck by me, were there for me and smothered me in your arms (wither to keep mom from hearing me cry because you just socked the wind out of me, or out of compassion, we have yet to determine).
This is in celebrating of the man you have become, from an insecure, big eared, scrawny youth who was always the punching bag in school; to the strong, sturdy, endearing brother that has kept me though some rough spots, This is for you and any one curious enough to know..

He is the voice of a prophet! His lyrics are filled with life that feeds the crowds and lifts spirits as well as causes the girl’s skirt to go up. However, when he’s not on a stage or writing his latest, he and I spend much time doing the following. Quoting Napoleon Dynamite, Thumb wars, dancing to a rhythm no one hears but us; Overwhelming a 15 year old high school reject with our powerful witness, “do you know where your going when you die”?... also there are the occasional "who can fart the loudest first thing in the morn" contests. Oh yes" didn't I mention, he and I are roomies.
I guess we should all just enjoy him in all his splendor, the man, the legend "Juan David Silva Pinho Goode".

I love you big Bro, Happy Birth day

New beginings.

2006-07-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

what if some one asked me what I knew to be true, what if some one wanted to know all that was buried in this heart thats for too long been misunderstood.
What if some one asked if they could help me understand what every one but me seams to know.
I love you now, always, and even after that.
Could any one really understand it and share this wordless prayer?
No, despite what some know to be true, there will always be that place in my heart where we hold each other and whisper secret thoughts and talk about the things no one else could understand, our hearts that were for too long misunderstood now see eye to eye, believe, hold, and trust that what our love does he always does well.
I now look forward to your happiness and you to mine, always praying that though one is without the other none is left behind.

My some one

2006-07-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

today just another thought of you, who ever you are. I am blessed to know you, blessed to have held you.
The ones that hurt me make me love you more, because love is such a rare thing.
Love is when others aren't and everything isn't; if that makes any sense. In other words Love is.

Love, ahhhh love. I find it when I wake up and some one cared enough to send me a prophecy, that same some one is also going through hurt and human emotion.
I'm praying for you today, tonight, always. In fact, I'm writing a song for you invisible some ones who cared enough to care.
Be with all your children tonight Lord, help them learn to cry so they can dry some one else’s tears.
Good night all, I love you.

flock together...

2006-07-07T23:53:00.000-07:00

Niki: I need a psychiatrist
Niki: lol
Marie: we all will once this is all over
Marie: right now we need a coach
Niki: hmmm for some areas, yes
Niki: for others, I need a machine gun
Niki: kidding
Marie: wahahaha
Marie: yeah, I know what you mean.
Marie: I need hand cuffs
Marie: snicker
Niki: and whips
Niki: "sticks out tongue"
Marie: "makes evil grin"
Marie: and young men
Marie: gaggs...lube
Marie: and the list goes on
Niki: well...as long as they do what they're told then young men it is.....but I'd rather a man
Niki: but who cares
Marie: maybe, but men might trick me into lovin them
Marie: "sighs"
Niki: riiight...and that's the last thing we need
Niki: heh
Marie: for sure...
Niki: I know you may think I'm feeding you a line....but when we were driving back tonight
Niki: I was thinking...

Late Bloomer

2006-07-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

may you be the first to know.
I did it.
finally.
at 18 years
10 months
and 330 days of age
I got behind the wheel for the first time and drove myself in neat little circles. Danica Patrick has got nothing on me.

Why I dream of you

2006-07-03T21:28:00.000-07:00

Why do I dream of you? I spend my days fighting every thought of you that comes into my head.
But still your sweet love entraps me when my guards are down. Naps, when I fall asleep in the car, even the last thing I dream of before waking up every morning is of you so that there is no way to escape you all day long.
I held you all night last night; the day before I took a random nap in the studio, I woke up more exhausted then when I first went to sleep. We were making love all over the place and it was impossible to stop. All the passion and glorious rapture that we knew with our time together was more frightening then ever. Now you know what I mean when I say I woke up from this nap exhausted. It was ridiculous, I try so hard to brush off even the thought of you so that I can just make it threw the day and pretend nothing happened like a woman who wakes up one morning with alzheimer’s desires.
How I long for that same ignorance.
Why do I dream of you? It was like the revenge of the X and I was helpless. I knew when I woke it would put me threw trials. I haven’t had sex in so long, much less made good erotic love to some one I care about.
When I woke up I chose to blame the dream on oppressed desires to just copulate with any one, it was nothing spiritual or divine, it was just that; a dream. You were the last person I made love to so it was you in my dream. This is what I’ll tell myself. It wasn’t at all because I love you still and long for your touch. It has nothing to do with the fact that right now my body just can’t hold any one else because I’m afraid of losing my last memories of you.
It’s ridiculous to say that these dreams are self inflicted and caused by subjugated desires that I am too proud to admit to myself.
So much strength and stamina is wasted on sex, who wants to make passionate love anyway.
So it’s off to the running track, I'll work it off and then do some yoga and meditation to get my mind off it. I'll stick to my story.
But then...why do I dream of you? Maybe I have no say in what I'm supposed to feel. Maybe its You, The Lover of all loves) who sees my desperate heart. In Your love for me You give me these moments in my sleep when my guard is down and I'm alone and free to cry, free to explore his body; savor his sent and once more tell him I love him again and again.
You give me these moments to rest my aching heart and believe in love for even just a moment.
This is why I dream of you sweet love of my heart. Because He knows I'm not doing so well without you. He knows the days just get harder as they go by, He knows even though I fight to stay positive and smile through my need to burst into tears, I am just human and a hopeless one.
He gives me these moments in my sleep. That is why I dream of you

2006-07-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

2006-07-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Ahhh I can't believe we lost!! What ever..."I never liked soccer anyway"

Is Brazil going to win?

2006-06-29T21:08:00.000-07:00

Is Brazil going to win?....

Is the sky blue?

Was Jesus the Son of God?

Do seagulls *^%$ on people’s heads?

am I sexually frustrated? Ahhh...

Does God love His People?

The answer my friend is yes. We can hide and act like the rest of the world stands a chance; we can pretend "we never liked soccer any way" when our team of choice get beat down and loses their chance at the world cup. But we can’t deny that feeling in each of our bellies that tell us “the cup is Brazil’s”!

The truth is, I don’t watch much of soccer, I don’t know much about the game even and if I so much as tried to play I would be more likely to send the ball to the moon then to make a goal. But something inside me jumps for joy when the waiters at the El Torito restaurant shout “viva brazil” because they know who the master of soccer is. I love Brazil, its in my blood, and so I shout back “viva Brazil” and watch in aw as these majestic ball kickers take yet another world cup. Viva Brazil!!!

Mudd hearts clay

2006-06-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

darling I'm sorry I so quickly abdicated responsibility of caring for this baby of ours. But I must say your a great single mom. i love you!!

p.s I will try to play a more active role in the future.

2006-06-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

Another day, a free day too. I like free days, its a time to just slip away into a world where there is nothing to do but lounge, among those I like to lounge with "Niki Rudow". We farted around and shared some heart breaks. She tells me about the things that have made her strong, I tell her about the things that make me weak. Then we end the fabulous day of doing nothing by watching Immortal Beloved, as if our pathetic love lives couldn't get any worse.
From sipping her moon shine and moping over each others best and worst love affairs, to sipping cappuccino while sitting in the bleacher in the local park, Niki is the kind of person you MUST take on the road to no-where, she'll make it worth the loneliness.
To yours and mine babe, may we one day find the poor loser who will sweep us off our feet and take us threw another "however pointless" adventure. You deserve the best love. Here is a poem for us.

You’re my tears
I find you only when I'm brave enough to think
I crave these past years and how they fly
Passing us before we could blink twice
I love you always
You'll never know
the pain I hide underneath these clothes

I kiss you softly
when I'm brave enough to try
I still feel you holding my body some where in the back of my mind
say its real love
don't put it away
lets show the world a fairytale
not another heart brake

be my hero
don't tell me good bye
Your with me whenever my eyes are closed
I'll never forget you
I don't have the will to try
so I'll oppress these memories
I'll pretend they are lost
when really they are part of my life.

To my immortal beloved

access denied

2006-06-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

Once life has thrown a wrench in the machinery of our “happy ever after” its up to us to see what we will make of it; who we will become.

They tell me to forget about you, “its time to move on, ur love was in vain”.

Though I fight feeling this way, I am still emptied from the love I gave

Defeated b those who believe the selfish way

But I can’t back down now, because love has no reason to bow down and surrender her crow.

Every heart brake was worth the tear, how can I act like I don’t care?

My pride wants to fight you with every fiber of my being, but we are all foolish like every child born of flesh and blood.

But I wont give up this quest to prove to the world their shallowness, the folly of jealousy and conservative relationships and misconceptions of love.

And impossible as it might seam, I believe in that greater Being

He who I was made for, there is no other one

My soul cries out for its maker; to unite with the God of love.

He please with our hearts to awake from this game; flee from this place that has left mankind in the dark.

Every hurt and every scar, every arrow that left its mark

Some one refused to give a shit, some one refused to fight

And those who can’t handle it often chose to end their life.

Is this supposed to be? Can’t we all have more heart?

Must man strangle his birthright, refuse to see through God’s eyes and leave his equal in the dark?

Its our natural approach to want what pleases the flesh

But with out love it profits nothing, we are sinners all condemned to death.

There was one who gave knowing we would take his life

Without every questioning, he simply asked “Father forgive them” when he died.

How can I deny him my hands and this mouth,

When they crucified him he gave me a reason to never, never join the crowed.

One day I’ll meet you my friend, we’ll see who was used and who gained the crown

This heart brake will end and soon be used and will work to remove the dross from where it is written in stone “love is God”

Under the influence

2006-06-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying to figure out what the wet patches are on the floor next to the lucky victim. God forbid it's beer. Some people have obviously never had to do without.

Love me. Love my dog

2006-06-19T20:31:00.001-07:00

And here we are, Mudd with Clay, we are such a pretty match no?
Well I have to say this picture revealed something in me that I didn't know was there.
Look away, I'm still just Clay.
But Mudd...you look divine.

2006-06-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

All the best things in life come packaged in a ribbon of risk. You untie the gift, you assume the risk, and equally, the joy. Parenthood is like that. Marriage is like that. Friendship is like that. In order to experience life in the full sense, you expose yourself to a bottomless pit of vulnerability. That is the essence of true love."—Kristin Armstrong

“Father of lies”

2006-06-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

“Father of lies”

You seek to end my life

I v fallen and I’m weak

You see my open heart,

My hands fumbling for my sword in the dark

Glaring, gnarling, lashing at my naked skin with dreadful claws

Emptied and beaten

Lonely and scared

Pouring out my soul in prayer

Reaching out from iron bars

The battle has been lost but this is a war

You didn’t once turn your back on me evil child

For if you had for a moment given me a breath

I would have risen to finish this

You are the enemy of my soul

Long have you waited this day

But I will not fold, the

power to rise again is in me

For I have given my life to the Potter’s hands

He who broke this life has given it a chance

To be a part of the immortal power

To rise above in this my trial

And though you found a way to shoot arrows straight into my heart

My soul is the Lord’s and I will rise above.

pooper scooter the return

2006-06-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

It’s hard to say just what it is this kid does to me, I was just staring at him for the longest time. I think my stomach even started to tingle with that butterfly sensation but at the very same time it hurt in the most wonderful way. He is such a powerful child. The deep eyes of the Gemini are very much a part of his character. I feel captivated, anything he would ask me I would do. He has the majesty of his Grandfather who set the bar high for a name like Judah. Its not going to be easy to live up to but something tells me he already is, he has Dear ol dad’s spirit with him always.

Thank you Jesus for sending us this little life, Your wonderful Lord.

Only Judah has the power to take my mind off myself.

I’m at peace with you baby boy, You are the force that silences the house, if you finally decide to smile we’ll come rushing in at once to see it!

Thank you for giving me joy. I pray you are blessed with music, we all know its in your blood. Let it be for God my love.

Listen to your mother, she was born and made to serve you with her life so know what she tells you is always because she loves you and wants what’s best.

Your father is a good guy too, learn all you can from him, learn to be still, but when the time comes explode with the passion and beauty the Lord has blessed you with.

Now I think I have it, “I’m in love”, that’s the feeling I get when I smell fresh baby breath or my nerves turn to mush because your fat face fits so nicely into my hand. I’ll have to give it some time before I can really give you a good squeeze, but for now there is not a greater joy then burping you, once your mom and dad get tired if it I’ll be able to change your dipper too. Much love, gurgles, poopydoos & lullabies your Aunty MarieClay.

for more on Sam's little twin visit Judahreid.blogspot.com

Don't let the evil selvegion take you!

2006-06-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

Ok I yield...its true, my life more recently has been worm infested, the worm being the constant rejection that bores in and out of my life drilling holes through my heart. Giving is something that comes easy to a scorpion woman; however those born with the mark of the 11th must face two of very painful realities.
#1 become cold and thus earn the "cold hearted viper" reputation, I get that cold look a lot when I tell people my sign.
#2 be that door mat that every one thinks is "so strong", yeah..it is a lot of work to be stepped on.
Right now I'm unsure which to chose...unhealthy sex addict? Door matt?....I think I'll go with my melodramatics...until I find something better. And Yes Mudd, the world can be beautiful, we just have to see it more like our Libra counterpart.

Krome

2006-06-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I long to hold you, tell you everything will be alright.

Thank you for the mercy you have shown me through hard times.

Because its been a while since we pretended to be lovers,

confused, annoyed and fondled each other.

Can we do it again?

Can we stay some where away from the world who pretends to care?

Will you be the friend who for no reason was always aware?

If you promise to be yourself and stick it out, forget what I think

I’ll only bring you down.

Trust the One who made you, He sees through your painted skin & knows who you are.

This battle will pass and you’ll be stronger, no longer an open wound, but a fashionable scare.

With my Deepest Sympathies

2006-06-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

what the freak?

that last bit reads like the introduction to a two-bit romance/horror/spy
novel. I know I told you write from your heart but honestly...I had no idea.
I see I'll have to keep my eye on you in the future, lest you turn this unsuspecting blog into a open forum for young virgins and despondent eunuchs who long for a world of innocence and beauty. A world where evil and hate is banished forever and poverty and lust have no place....Dear God!! ! Your malignant heresy is rubbing off on me. Stop it now.

I need rest. But don't think you've avoided my wrath. I'll deal with you later...

Paranoia of the Sith

2006-06-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

In a world where men are mutants devouring each other; compassion and honesty are as bogus and unheard of as unicorns and elves, the children of the good world are scattered and confused, faith is mixed with unreal expectations made by bishops who pray on the confused and week minded.

Who can save us from this downward spiral? There are no more Heroes; there are no more knights who save young virgins, only knaves, selfish and obsessed with self and the desire to pollinate as many beauties as they can before they reach that bitter age where their bodies are good for nothing but eating, sleeping and expelling waste.

In this new world where we are forced to be cold and calloused simply to survive, no one lifts a fellow man, there is no brotherhood, eat or be eaten, stamp out or be crushed underfoot, even lovers become fair weather friends when faced with egotism or the opportunity to supercede the other. The few who chose to give of themselves and open their hearts to an other by living the law of love are snuffed out by the selfish and fearful.

Who can bear it, who can silence the demons in our heads that tell us, there is no hope, there is no love or trust. Who will fight the black knights of hate, indifference, famine, and greed.

Melodramatic? Not really, not from where I'm standing. We were told the love of many would wax cold, it has....however, I love Mudd, so there must be something... a seed, or even just an ember of something left beautiful in this world.

"There are two", said the Jedi who turned to me just before leaving the barracks...puzzled but hopeful, I pleaded, Who?...."look inside yourself young Clay….To be continued….or will it?